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Thursday, September 17, 2009

Strength

I don't know why certain people are born to be stronger than others. I don't mean the strength that wins you marathons or trophies but the strength that keeps you together in the time of tragedy and disappointment. I never have been really strong, prime example: hallmark commercials make me cry. I haven't actually lost anyone to death in awhile. My Great-Grandmother passed in 1997 and my Grandfather in 2000. Last year a friend of mine died and I lost an old high school friend this year both to car accidents. With each death, I was overwhelmed with sadness and confusion. Why must it be "today". Why couldn't God wait just one more day. One more day to find the time to tell that person what they meant and how much they were loved.
What do you do when you really lose your heart? Your soul? Your day in and day out? When it really is gone? My Grandmother lost her husband of over 50 years. How do you recoup from that? How do you go to bed alone, how do you not call out his name? Think of him every breath you take? When everything reminds you of a part of yourself, that is gone forever.
My mom lost her boyfriend of 11+ years yesterday. He died of a sudden heart attack. She didn't talk to him yesterday, she was busy at work. She called him at 2:15 and he didn't answer, she now knows why. She didn't spend the night there the night before either, she wasn't feeling well and wanted to keep the germs at bay. I'm not sure what her last physical contact was with him or if she got to say "I love you". Being that he is 'only' his girlfriend, if his Father hadn't been at the hospital, my Mother would not have been allowed to see him and say her goodbyes. The earrings he wore that she played with, were silently passed to his Father in an envelope by a nurse at the hospital. Earrings that no one cares about but my Mom. She has no right to them, no claim. The only thing that was truly hers of his, was his heart, the very thing that failed him and now forever keeps them apart. She has spent the last 11 years of her life with a man that she has no possession of. The house that she spent time in, the friends that were theirs, the future they had planned....it doesn't belong to her now.
My Mom has strength. The strength that few posses. it has been less than 24 hours as I write this, and she is at his house, (sorta her house too) cleaning out the refrigerator. Thinking of everyone else but herself. While, I sit here and cry. Yes, death is tragic but I'm not crying over his death. I'm crying over my Mom's broken heart. I mourn for her and her memories lost. I mourn for her future without him. I mourn for every minute that goes by that she doesn't get to hear his voice or hold his hand. I mourn for the dinners apart and the cold bed. I mourn for the intimate moments she may never have again. I mourn that she will never play with his earrings again or stroke her fingers through his hair.
She consoled me as I cried. SHE consoled me. At the one moment in my life I really needed to be there for someone, I lost it. My heart aches 1000 times for the love my Mom lost yesterday. I feel heavy with anxiety over what her future holds. I cry my tears for the tears that she will hold back.....all because she got stuck with strength.

7 comments:

Nikki said...

What a beautifully written post. Thank you for sharing. So sorry to hear about your mother's loss. *HUGS* to both you and your mom.

Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up? said...

Hugs, to you and your momma. I know that you will need all you can get.

Sarah J. said...

I'm sorry for your family's loss. I was crying with you by the end of the post. Hang in there!

Pamela said...

Prayers for you and your mama and those who love him.

Mrs Mommy said...

Oh baby...You are so much stronger than you know. It takes an amazing woman/person to cry FOR SOMEONE. It means more to her than you know.

Please give her my heart....

Upstatemomof3 said...

I am so sorry for your mom's loss. It is tragic and unfair. I will pray for healing for her heart. For time to allow her to enjoy the memories of the time they shared. And I too will cry tears for the loss. Because tears are cleansing. I think sometimes they cleanse the Earth as much as the person.

~Sandy~ said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Keeping you and your family in my prayers :)